Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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