Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile

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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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