Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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