Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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How do you catch a unique bird?

Unique up on it.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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