Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the 18-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27-member Church Board, who appoint another 12-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to the Disney corporation. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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