Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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