Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

One molar solution.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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