Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,

he's a catholic converter.


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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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