Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?

None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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