Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.

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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow

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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

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