Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

Lilly.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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