Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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How many ``pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb?

6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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