Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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