Why did the student eat her homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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