Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Why would Snow White make a great judge?

She was the fairest in the land.
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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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