Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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What did one flower say to the other flower?

Hey, bud!
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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