Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club,

but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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