Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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What is Donald Trump telling all his supporters?


Orange Is The New Black.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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