Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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