Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What is a tornado's favorite game?

Twister!
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore
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