Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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