Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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