Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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A seal walks into a club...
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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