Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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