Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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