Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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How can you get four suits for a dollar?


Buy a deck of cards.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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