Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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