Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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