Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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