Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.
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