Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What has 6 eyes but can't see?

3 blind mice.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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