Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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