Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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