Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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