Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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