Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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