Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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PMS jokes are not funny...

[Period]
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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