Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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