Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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