Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What's the slipperiest country?

Greece!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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