Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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