Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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