Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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