Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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