Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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