Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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How many times does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?

No one knows. Republicans automatically disbelieve him, and no one can ever trust a stinking liberal anyway.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That isn't funny!
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