Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Two girls were born on the same day, same year, same parents, except they are not twins. Explain:

They are triplets.
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