Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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