Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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