Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physist as they drink the last of their beer.

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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