Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?

A cow walking backwards
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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