Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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