Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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