Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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