Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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