Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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