Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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