Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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