Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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