Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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