Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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