Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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