Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.

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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.

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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"

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