Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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