Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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