Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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