Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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