Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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