Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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