Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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