Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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