Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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Where do computers go to dance?

The disk-o!
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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