Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.

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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."

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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.

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