Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How did the bubble gum cross the road?

On the bottom of the chicken's foot!

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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.

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What's the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has the most stories.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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