Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?

It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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