Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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