Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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What do you call two banana peels?

Slippers.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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