Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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