Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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