Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights

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