Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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Why did Bach have so many children?

He did not have a stop on his organ.

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

WHAT?
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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