Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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