Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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