Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?

A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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