Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.

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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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