Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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Two girls were born on the same day, same year, same parents, except they are not twins. Explain:

They are triplets.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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