Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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What is Donald Trumps favorite song?

ICE ICE Baby......
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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