Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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How are elephants and trees alike?

They both have trunks
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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