Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!

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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess

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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!

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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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