Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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