Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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What is Donald Trumps campaign slogan?

"A complex world demands complex hair."
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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