Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Where are sharks from?

Finland.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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