Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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