Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What do a baker and a millionaire have in common?

They are both rolling in the dough!
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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