Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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