Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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