Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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