Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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