Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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How many militarists does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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