Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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