Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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