Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What letter can you drink?

T (tea)
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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