Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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