Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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