Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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Where do you learn to make banana splits?

In sundae school.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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