Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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