Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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