Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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