Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

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