Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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