Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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