Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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