Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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Why did the oreo go to the dentist?

To get his filling!
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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