Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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