Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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