Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What does one bucket say to the other?

I am feeling pale today.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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