Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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