Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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