Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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