Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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