Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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