Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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Why did the belt go to jail?

It held up a pair of pants.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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