Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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