Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.

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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.

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What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.

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