Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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