Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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