Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?

She wanted to see a butterfly.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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