Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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