Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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