Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
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