Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish

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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...

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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends

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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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