Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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