Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What runs around a yard without moving?

A fence.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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