Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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