Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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