Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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