Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!
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How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?

When it's full.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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