Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What is a snowman's favorite breakfast?

Frosted Flakes!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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