Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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