Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

You crack me up!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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