Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have any guts!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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