Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

About one third less than for a regular bulb.

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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth

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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated

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