Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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