Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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