Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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