Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.

The guardians of the galaxy!
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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