Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What is the difference between a fly and superman?

Superman can fly, but a fly cannot superman!
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