Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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