How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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