What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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