What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Anyone know any jokes about sodium?

Na
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?

One molar solution.
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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