What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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PMS jokes are not funny...

[Period]
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