What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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