A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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So I was on a train with Einstein and he turns to me and asks...

Does Boston stop at this train?
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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That girl said she knew me from the vegitarian club,

but I'd never seen herbivore [her before]
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.

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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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