Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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