Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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