Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?

HeHe
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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