Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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