When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they'd be alloys.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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